Friday, 13 March 2009

• something corporate.

  
                  - why do you try to get a hold on,
        to what you'll never get a hold on,
    you wouldn't try to put the ocean in a paper cup.
         cuz i have had something to prove
        as long as i know of something that
            needs improvement.  -
  - ani difranco, hour follows hour.
  
  
  i'm going to let you in on a little secret-
  and here it is: i haven't been writing because
  i've been living too much to talk about it.
  
  the shame of it is,
  i've been living too much to think about it either.
  and that, i do not like one bit.
  life without reflection starts to feel dangerous.
  
  the real, ugly shame of it is,
  i've mostly been working all the time.
  i've been doing my best to run up that corporate escalator,
  in a year when it is most definitely the downward stairs.
  
  uphill climbs are all well and good, but
  0.25 cent raises and no christmas bonuses are face slaps,
  and the added responsibility without compensation feels
  *barely*nearly*almost* manageable, until
  i realize, i've had 15 migraines in 30 days,
  and i'm not sleeping and when i am sleeping fitfully,
  i'm dreaming about the customer issues that are unresolved,
  and how i might have handled them better,
  where i'll start tomorrow...
  
  it doesn't take much reflection to step back
  and say "my, my, this should not be."
  
  my boss has a serious stomach problem.
  so i said to her today,
  "is that stress related?"
  i didn't say, "did this job give you that?"
  but that's what i was getting at.
  she said, "oh yes, entirely."
  cool.
  perfect.
  
  there is naturally an inner awareness,
  that this day job, is not my real life,
  my real passion, energy, investment
  has always been meant to be saved for
  my God, my husband, my church, my family.
  
  but that doesn't not always feel like reality.
  reality sometimes feels like
  most of my hours are spent at the office,
  and every night i'm too tired to even give my full attention to
  what justin wants to tell me about what's going on with him,
  with church, with us. 
  
  it feels like too much,
  there is not enough of me left to give.
  
  but that cannot be true, can it?
  if these are the things
  that i am truly intended for,
  if these are the things that truly mean anything.
  
  so,
  i must be doing it wrong.
  i think i can see how/where too.
  
  and maybe
  this shift is subtle, simple,
  heart change-
  
  can i make a
  genuine & complete
  an attitude shift,
  a surrendering of will daily?
  to say, this day is not mine to cling to,
  YOU take it, make it what you will,
  show me ways to glorify YOU,
  in every situation,
  show me how to stop trying to prove myself,
  stop trying to manuever everything,
  stop thinking that it will fall apart if i don't fit it together,
  and just
  LET YOU TAKE IT.
  let you run things,
  let me be the vessel.
  
  will that change everything?
  will that make a difference?
  so that my life doesn't always feel like
  a little more than i can take.
  
  
  let's talk about this:
  
  --have you felt this way?
  --am i fool of poo?
  --do you have other ideas?
  
  
  music:
  currently i love the song "desire" by ryan adams.
  and the song "hour follows hour" by ani difranco.
  
  
  
  

  • 11:00 PM
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