the generations have all past that remember when
it used to be typical to have multiple sets of multiples
by natural cause without chemical intervention
and take care of them and the grandparents too
all under one roof on one property
paid for by
blood, sweat, tears,
back breaking work,
and the whole entire family efforts--

what happens when that
societal norm is so long
dead and forgotten--

replaced by
the network buying the home,
as part of the contract of exploitation,
and deeding it to the children,
so it is not a marital asset,
(so when it ends it will be cleaner)
and when it does end,
all anybody can say is,
"i just couldn't stay"
even though, we still remember
that it used to work to stay,
to remain, in generations before,
but anymore we just can't seem to--

what happens then,
when no one can even
remember a time,
when there were people who
built lifetimes together,
family trees that lived hundreds of years.

                - why do you try to get a hold on,
      to what you'll never get a hold on,
  you wouldn't try to put the ocean in a paper cup.
       cuz i have had something to prove
      as long as i know of something that
          needs improvement.  -
- ani difranco, hour follows hour.


i'm going to let you in on a little secret-
and here it is: i haven't been writing because
i've been living too much to talk about it.

the shame of it is,
i've been living too much to think about it either.
and that, i do not like one bit.
life without reflection starts to feel dangerous.

the real, ugly shame of it is,
i've mostly been working all the time.
i've been doing my best to run up that corporate escalator,
in a year when it is most definitely the downward stairs.

uphill climbs are all well and good, but
0.25 cent raises and no christmas bonuses are face slaps,
and the added responsibility without compensation feels
*barely*nearly*almost* manageable, until
i realize, i've had 15 migraines in 30 days,
and i'm not sleeping and when i am sleeping fitfully,
i'm dreaming about the customer issues that are unresolved,
and how i might have handled them better,
where i'll start tomorrow...

it doesn't take much reflection to step back
and say "my, my, this should not be."

my boss has a serious stomach problem.
so i said to her today,
"is that stress related?"
i didn't say, "did this job give you that?"
but that's what i was getting at.
she said, "oh yes, entirely."
cool.
perfect.

there is naturally an inner awareness,
that this day job, is not my real life,
my real passion, energy, investment
has always been meant to be saved for
my God, my husband, my church, my family.

but that doesn't not always feel like reality.
reality sometimes feels like
most of my hours are spent at the office,
and every night i'm too tired to even give my full attention to
what justin wants to tell me about what's going on with him,
with church, with us. 

it feels like too much,
there is not enough of me left to give.

but that cannot be true, can it?
if these are the things
that i am truly intended for,
if these are the things that truly mean anything.

so,
i must be doing it wrong.
i think i can see how/where too.

and maybe
this shift is subtle, simple,
heart change-

can i make a
genuine & complete
an attitude shift,
a surrendering of will daily?
to say, this day is not mine to cling to,
YOU take it, make it what you will,
show me ways to glorify YOU,
in every situation,
show me how to stop trying to prove myself,
stop trying to manuever everything,
stop thinking that it will fall apart if i don't fit it together,
and just
LET YOU TAKE IT.
let you run things,
let me be the vessel.

will that change everything?
will that make a difference?
so that my life doesn't always feel like
a little more than i can take.


let's talk about this:

--have you felt this way?
--am i fool of poo?
--do you have other ideas?


music:
currently i love the song "desire" by ryan adams.
and the song "hour follows hour" by ani difranco.

chapter 2.

have you heard "winter song"?
sung by sara bareilles & ingrid michaelson?
who by the way, should sing together all the time.
they are better, together.

if you haven't heard it,
you are assigned to take four and half minutes now,
to listen to it intently, without distractions,
before proceeding.  because that song,
is about, what this chapter, is about.

it would not be a mistake to
spend .99 cents at amazon or itunes to purchase it.
it would not be a mistake to go to youtube,
find the video and listen to it with your eyes closed.
it might be a mistake to go to youtube and watch it.
don't get me wrong.  it's very cute.
very cute.  but i don't want you to get distracted
in the moderately annoying cutesyness.  i want you to listen.
maybe later, watch the video,
if you want/must.

 

................................

 

 

all i really want to say about that is this:
sometimes it will feel and look like
love is dead.
and your loved one might say
that they hate their life and they wish it was different
and you might stare out your window
and wonder if you are what they regret.

things are not how they sometimes
feel and look.
winter happens.
sometimes in a hundred little moments
in one cold day.
but love is still very much alive.

and remembering that
is all but crucial to
sticking around long enough
to see it.

 

*addendum*
perhaps it's worth mentioning:
justin & i are very happy. solid.

i am referring to the teeny tiny daily events
that happen universally in intimate relationships,
ours included,
that might feel chilling, disconcerting, doubt instilling,
gradually distancing, alienating,
if not for the firm assurance that
love was still living deep rooted and unshaken
underneath everything.